is there hope for bad mommies?

did you ever have one of those bad mommy days?  a day when you couldnt stand all the crying and drama your kids give you and you just snap and go on a spanking spree?

it started early this week when jackjack discovered that he can shriek for pure delight, or to annoy us. now, i'm not the type who believes in sparing the rod or time-outs when there is a need for it. i do try i give him initial warnings before i carry out the punishment. i had warned him earlier that of he shrieks again, i'd slap him on the mouth. he shrieked in protest. my hand swiftly hit his mouth. he was surprised, not sure of what happened. he shrieked again, and my hand flew. this time, big fat tears came running down his cheeks. it was heartbreaking yet...satisfying. a voice inside me went, " ha! now you know who's boss. the problem with you is that you dont listen. when i say i'm gonna do it, i am going to do it!"

in the afternoon, the tears came back when J told him that "we would go out LATER, not now." obviously, he didnt understand what later meant and he couldnt, since he wouldnt stop crying long enough to listen to me. we did step out later in the afternoon, but that did it for me. i was snappish and didnt enjoy a minute of it.

when we got home, he kept bugging me but i had to make dinner and he wouldnt go with his daddy so...i yelled at him to leave me alone. the fat tears made another appearance and it irked his daddy that he threatened to give him the slipper (we use it for spanking). J didnt go through with it, so i did. i gave him the slipper. and i had wanted to hit him and hit him until my slipper broke, but i didnt. i think i snapped because of all the crying and the bugging and his impatience. i felt tired being the mommy who understood, who picked him up and rocked him until he stopped crying. i miss just being me.

as i put him to bed, i wonder if i was going to rot in hell. i knew i was too harsh, and i did break my own rule of spanking only when necessary. i gave him the slipper out of anger, maybe even out of spite. it even crossed my mind that i should lose him in a crowded area, but i banished the thought from my head. i wonder if he'll become d-bag when he grows up because of my behaviour (i hope not). i wonder if he'll hate me (wont be surprised if he will).

i wonder if things really get better, if i would get better at this mommy thing. i wonder if i would get myself back someday.