the exam that shouldn't have been

i'm currently job-hunting. i have sent out resumes for the past couple of weeks and, thankfully, have been granted interviews.

early this week, a former colleague sent me a text message saying that a company i applied to called her up and asked about me. i was a bit surprised that the application process was still on-going, considering that the last time i talked to them was december 2010. later that day, i received a call from the said company and they wanted to schedule me for a pre-employment medical exam.  hell yeah!, i said to myself as the HR person listed some things for me to remember. i was thisclose into getting that job.  it was scheduled for thursday.

early thursday morning, aunt flo came to visit. of all the days she could have dropped, she just had to come that day. despite that, i went through with the medical exam. of course, i couldnt do the urinalysis but everything else went on as scheduled. as i lied on the table, the doctor started conducting the breast exam. she went back a couple of time to a spot on my left breast. i can feel some lumps, she said, you need to undergo an ultrasound. i told her i had my period that day and could it be hormonal? maybe, but i think some of them are not.

i tried to still my hands as i buttoned my shirt and did my best to catch what she was saying.  my mind was racing. lumps?! why?! i need to work so i can help finance my son's schooling, and i have lumps?! it cant be! this isnt happening...wait, they might not extend an offer because i have lumps...but i need this job..i'm too young...i havent completely potty-trained jackjack...my husband would be devastated...both of his parents had cancer...surely,the lumps are because of my period, please....


my head cant fully wrap itself on this fact that lumps were found. i am supposed to have the ultrasound sometime next week. i'm worried that the result would affect my chances of getting hired. i'm scared on what will be found. i try to put this at the back of my head, but i feel cold water down my back at the slightest memory of that moment. i try not focus on it, thinking that there is that possibility that i may be worrying over nothing. or am i?

i'm scared. shitless. i have to be strong, but i dont know where to draw my strength...

i pray

it was 2am and my dad woke up with a start. the pain in his chest woke him up. he tried something to ease the pain, but it didnt go away.

when my brother woke up, he asked that he be taken to the doctor. mom tagged along, which was a good thing because they werent prepared to hear what the doctor said. after numerous tests, the diagnosis came.  the 2am chest pain was a mild heart attack.

the doctor was concerned that the heart attack might recur sooner than later, so dad was advised to stay in the hospital for a couple of days for observation. the tests have indicated that there is a slight blockage in his arteries which might have led to the heart attack. for that, he was given aspirin to thin his blood a bit.

as i write this, my dad lies in the ICU. doctors think it would be best for him to stay there; a nurse is dedicated to just two patients, making response time quicker and faster.

it was my dad, not my mom, who brought us up. i am daddy's girl. when mom had to go out and work, he stayed home and took care of us. i broke down the moment i heard what happened. i'm better now, though. ignorance of the situation rattles me.

as i write this, i whisper a prayer for my son, the grandson who adores his lolo. i pray for more years to come, for there is so much a grandson can learn that only a grandfather can teach him.

i pray for my mom's strength. she had relied on him all these years to make sure that the laundry is washed and folded, that dinner will be waiting when we get home from work and school, to pack our lunches. their system, even if a bit non-traditional, worked because they understood their parts. her world may not crumble, but there would be a noticeable slack in the system.

i pray for the daughter who still needs her father for comfort and support. the constant love, even if unsaid, has helped me all these years and i cherish it more now that i have become a parent like him.

i am thankful for the time past and all the lessons learned.  i pray for time, that it will be well spent and that every moment be a good memory. i am grateful for the opportunity to be reminded of my own mortality, and to make every moment count.

be strong, dad. we are here.

agua, por favor!

this was supposed to be tuesday's post. but the howling winds and the sound of creaking roof unsettled me. then, the lights flickered a couple of times and the hubby kept looking at the surrounding trees. he was worried, and i thought about jackjack, sleeping alone in the room.

so, i shut off the computer before i was able to post this entry and went inside our bedroom. a couple of minutes later, the lights went off. so did the fan. and the streetlights. it was a blackout.

by this time, the wind kept getting louder and jackjack clutched on to me for dear life. hugsee, mommy!, he kept repeating. the rain kept pounding on our window and the wind wont let up. we fell asleep once the wind died down, just a gentle breeze to lull us.

i woke up yesterday with a big surprise. there was no water on the tap! i can deal with no electricity, but no water?! it will drive me crazy! all day long, we suffered. all the water refilling stations were closed because they had no emergency power generator to use to pump and filter water. thank goodness the neighbors offered to fetch 10 gallons of water for us when they went to get some from their relatives (see? networking works!).

power resumed 1030pm, manila time. hubby was so thankful he was almost doing the dance of joy. jackjack was fast asleep already, and i felt so sorry for my boy. he wasnt able to enjoy bathtime as he normally does, because we were conserving water. water supply resumed this morning.

such is life. i'm still thankful because that's all we got. until now, there are still people missing and some houses were destroyed by the fallen trees. funny thing is, it never gets old. every monsoon season in this country, these things still happen. people blame the weather bureau for giving the wrong forecast, weather bureau insists that this is the best that they can do considering their archaic equipment (they need Php 1.8B to update their equipment). people still go missing, houses still get destroyed.

yep, it never gets old.

the best mother's day gift - part 2

this the second part of the story of how i got the best gift. in case you missed it, read the first part.

i went back to work, thinking that he would survive on the donated breastmilk and the milk that i have pumped (which has depleted to just an ounce a day).  two weeks later, we were back at the hospital because jackjack was very sick. everytime we fed him, the milk would just pass through his iliostomy site. it was like pouring water thru a sieve, nothing was retained. he was also very cold. he only weighed 4lbs.

at the hospital, the doctors couldnt find any vein to insert an IV line, so they inserted an NGT and let it drip there. the other jugular vein was used for a line. he was immediately transferred to the NICU. he was put under the light, the same one used for jaundiced babies, and was wrapped in a space blanket to keep him warm.he was hooked up to all kinds of IVs. he was fed milk thru his NGT at a very slow pace and nutrition was fed in his veins. i prayed that if he was mine to keep, let him get better. but if he wasnt meant to stay, let it be a peaceful passing. i constantly prayed for strength and acceptance.

throughout this time, the hubby continued to work even if he was worried sick about his son. i had quit my job to be beside jackjack. i slept at the NICU, with the only the nurses and the beeping sounds of the machines to keep me company.

when he was stable a week later, he was allowed to go to a regular room but we werent allowed to go home. the doctors feared that he might dehydrated again and they may not be able to save him the next time. the plan was to get jackjack gain weight and be strong enough for his ilium reconstruction surgery. so the continuous, yet slow, feeding and the IV drips went on. three weeks later and at 8lbs, the surgeon decided to do the surgery so his body can absorb and heal better. the surgery was scheduled two days before mother's day that year.

the night before the surgery, i prayed with the hubby and talked to our son. he was looking at us intently as we told him that we loved him and we were so happy we were his parents. his dad told him it would be mom's day soon, my first, and the best gift that jackjack could give me was for him to survive the surgery and to get better. that night, i slept carrying him.

as i was waiting for the nurses to take him, the anesthesiologist told me that one thing she is hoping for is that jackjack would wake up from the surgery by himself. this is a sign that nothing went wrong and  he's on the road to recovery. she, then, took him. the hubby had work that day, but my dad came to keep me company. he knew i hadnt slept much and that the surgery would take at least three hours, so he encouraged me to take a nap. he'd wake me when the surgery's done. i slept peacefully, something i hadnt done in weeks. i have raised my child to the Lord; thy will be done.

my dad nudged me awake and said i had to talk to the doctors. what happened? did something go wrong? did he have a seizure on the table? is my son still alive? as the elevator door opened, i saw my son. the surgeon smiled as he said , "it was successful. happy mother's day." they also told me that as soon as the happy gas was removed, he had started to wake up. he started stirring and reaching out to me when he heard my voice! he only stayed at the NICU post-surgery for eight hours before he was wheeled back into the room. a week later, they sent us home.

that was the best gift: his second lease on life. someday, i'll tell my son the story of how he got the "smile" on his tummy.

what was the best gift you have ever received on mother's day?

the best mother's day gift - part 1

i have locked this memory in my heart because i was told to move on. yet, i cry everytime i remember...

 

on january 5th 2007, i gave birth a baby boy.  we named him john cedric, jackjack for short.  he was a bit underweight for his age, just 4lbs for a 39-weeker, and had low blood sugar.  since the hospital did not consider him a "well baby", he was not roomed in with me.  he was hooked up to an IV and was given formula whenever he got hungry.  when i came to, i was told of his situation.  we went to the nursery a couple of times so i can nurse him, but since he was small and nobody really taught me how to, he couldnt really latch on to my breast.  he was able to suck the colostrum, but that's it.  from then on, i pumped my milk and put it in a bottle for him to drink.

we were discharged from the hospital 3 days later; his blood sugar stabilized in time.  we settled on a routine of feedings and diaper changes.   we fed him formula and my pumped breastmilk.  since i wasnt able to nurse him (less stimulation), i was not able to produce much milk, just 3 ounces a day on the average.

thanks to the formula, jackjack gained weight.  in 2 weeks time, he was a 6lb baby.  a month after he was born, he weighed in 8lbs.  we shifted from formula to formula in the quest of finding the perfect one for our baby.  we even tried the one for the lactose-intolerant.  there was nothing wrong with him.  we even brought him for his immunization shots a week before it happened.

on feb 16, 2008, he just pooped 3 times.  he had excellent bowel movement.  he was never constipated.  then, all of a sudden, he only pooped 3 times.  we thought he was just constipated, not drinking enough water.  he felt relieved whenever he burped, so we thought it was just gas.  earlier in the week, he threw up some of the milk he just drank.  we thought he just had too much to drink. 

the next day, i woke up to the sight of my baby sporting a huge tummy.  his tummy had swollen as big as a melon and had veins all over it.    his cries indicated that he was in pain.  i gave him milk when he got hungry but he threw it all up.  when he burped, a yellowish/greenish substance came out of his mouth.  i bought glycerin (a pediatric suppository) in the hope that it was just that, constipation.  when nothing came out, we brought him to his pedia at asian medical center.  one look at him and the pedia said he had to be admitted.  she gave us instructions to proceed immediately to makati med.  she didnt even explain what was going on.  considering the traffic going north (we live in the south) and that it was an emergency, the hubby decided to bring him to medical center - muntinlupa for immediate treatment.  an x-ray showed his swollen intestines.  a pediatric surgeon arrived at 1230am to discuss his case.  there was an obstruction, he was sure, which was the reason why his bowel did not pass.  he wanted to operate on my boy on that basis alone: his experience and the x-ray.  we wanted a second opinion, so we signed a waiver and traveled to delos santos med center in quezon city, where i gave birth. 

it was 430am when we arrived in quezon city.  by then, jackjack's tummy had swollen to 39cm.  he was crying incessantly because he was hungry but threw up everything he drank.  he was hooked up to an IV and we were admitted.  that same morning, his pedia in that hospital took one look at him and came up with a team of doctors to take care of him.  he was not allowed to drink anything.  an x-ray and an ultrasound were done.  a pediatric surgeon and an intensivist (NICU doctor) were summoned.  things looked bleak, as the doctors finally explained to us what was going on.  there was an obstruction.  as to what type, ultrasound revealed no mass or twisting of the intestines.  they said this was normally seen on premature babies who had congenital defects.  he was neither premature and they ruled out congenital disorders.  if it were congenital, his tummy would've swollen in days, if not hours after drinking his first milk intake.  he had to be operated on immediately because every moment was critical.  the swelling of his tummy was only controlled by antibiotics and the pressure was only relieved thru NGT. 

that same night, they took my baby from my arms and wheeled him into the OR.  the hubby was summoned into the OR.  the surgeon showed him jackjack's small intestines, 15cm of which had necrotized and were beyond saving. they diagnosed it as necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC).  the rest were also affected, but they decided against cutting it lest there'd be nothing left.  they had to cut off the 15cm of his ilium (small intestines).  they did an illiostomy, which meant that a portion of his small intestines would be exposed where his poop would be coming out.  it's like a colostomy, only it's a portion of his ilium.  because of this procedure,  he wont be able to absorb 100% of the nutrients.

he was wheeled into NICU post-surgery, where he stayed for 2 weeks. he still was not allowed to drink because they had to rest his digestive tract.  he had numerous insertion attempts on both hands and feet because his veins kept collapsing.  it came to a point that the doctors had to do a jugular vein cut-down to insert an IV for his parenteral nutrition.  there was even a day when they woke me up at 6am, only to find out that he wasn't breathing properly since 3am and that they were trying to resuscitate him.  his right lung was full of fluid and his left lung was not expanding enough to take in air.  he was intubated and was wheeled into the OR for the third time for a CTT procedure to drain his lungs of fluid.

at this point, my breasts have stopped producing milk.  the time away from him, when i couldnt even hold him, plus the stress contributed to it.  about this time, they had to start feeding him breast milk through NGT.  it was a blessing that one of the nursing aides at the hospital was kind enough to donate her milk to us.  i even hired a lactation consultant to get my milk flowing again.  she, then, referred me to some of her patients who were willing to donate their milk while i was re-lactating.

a couple of days later, jackjack was removed from the respirator and his CTT pulled out. by then, the doctors finally allowed me to hold him.  when i cradled him, his features changed.  he looked peaceful and happy.  his doctors commented that this was the first time they saw him like that and he was a fighter.  the moment i held him, my breasts have started lactating again!  i was so happy to be able to hold him after 2 weeks.  i was so happy i was crying.

he spent a couple more days in the NICU but he was gaining strength, thanks to the breastmilk and power of touch.  one monday morning, we were summoned to the ICU.  his intensivist was there, determined to teach me how to breastfeed.  i was determined that he would be feeding only on breast milk.  we were also informed that he was to be released from the NICU that same day.

we were finally discharged that weekend.  our hospital bills, plus the doctors' fee, amounted to almost Php500,000.  my mom handed me a check amounting to a fourth of the bill, saying she was lucky that neither of her children got sick. the money she had saved for our illnesses (if we had any) was spent on paying part of the total cost. 

let me know if i should continue this story for it doesnt end here...

it was thursday night...

...and we were having dinner when jackjack fell backwards off the chair.  i was able to catch him so he didn't hit the floor. we did hear a bang!. j (the hubby) and i weren't sure if jackjack hit his head on the table. i was more focused on catching him before he hit the floor (where i was sure he would hit his head) and J wasn't at that vantage point to see exactly that. i don't think jackjack was sure either; he was more concerned that his fries fell on the floor.

fifteen minutes later, he was feverish. i suggested that he take a bath to cool him down. after all, it was a warm night. i was soaping him when...he threw up his dinner (and his afternoon snacks). he asked for his milk and he threw it all up, five minutes after finishing it.  i dont want to get into details, in case any of you are eating something while reading this, but there were four more similar episodes of this throughout the night. by the third episode, i was already in panic as i remember what happened the last time time he threw up everything (he underwent emergency colostomy). i heard his doctor's voice, as i rubbed jackjack's back while he was throwing up, telling me that it could happen again.  i prayed that he'd be better in the morning.

he wasn't.

he was weak yet still managed to give a smile or two.  he threw up the half ounce of milk that we gave him. when we offered him another one, he poured the contents to his spit bucket. the hubby said that jackjack was starting to get traumatized.  we decided to rush him to the hospital.

his doctor thought that his symptoms was more related to his head trauma than to his previous case. we were advised that jackjack stay in for observation, aside from re-hydration. this can't be happening, i thought to myself as the doctor explained what we should be watching out for, not so soon.  i looked over to J and saw the same fear reflected in his eyes.

as we settled in the room and IV tubes were inserted, i can't help but admire the man i'm sharing this horrific experience with. i know that he was hurting inside like i was, yet he managed to put on his daddy face, making jackjack laugh and holding him, making him milk (which jackjack sipped on a spoon).  he even slept on the chair, just so i can sleep beside jackjack and hug him. this man gave me strength by being strong himself.  as i prayed for my son's recovery, i thanked God for giving me this man.

as the hours progressed. jackjack got better. he was asking milk more often, even asking the nurses if he can eat rice already. his fever broke around early saturday morning. he woke up at 3am, asking for donuts. i happily fed him morsels and hoped that the end of this traumatic experience would soon come.  jackjack regained his strength as if nothing happened.  we were sent home that afternoon.  there was no need for CT scan, although we were advised to bring him back in case any of the symptoms returned.

what happened to him? i don't know. i'm not even sure if his doctor knew. a friend had said, "baka nagulat" (he was surprised) when he fell. i don't know. but i am relieved that he is back to his normal self.  this may not be the scariest i've been when it comes to my son, but it sure as hell comes close.

what about you? what's the scariest you've been?