the exam that shouldn't have been

i'm currently job-hunting. i have sent out resumes for the past couple of weeks and, thankfully, have been granted interviews.

early this week, a former colleague sent me a text message saying that a company i applied to called her up and asked about me. i was a bit surprised that the application process was still on-going, considering that the last time i talked to them was december 2010. later that day, i received a call from the said company and they wanted to schedule me for a pre-employment medical exam.  hell yeah!, i said to myself as the HR person listed some things for me to remember. i was thisclose into getting that job.  it was scheduled for thursday.

early thursday morning, aunt flo came to visit. of all the days she could have dropped, she just had to come that day. despite that, i went through with the medical exam. of course, i couldnt do the urinalysis but everything else went on as scheduled. as i lied on the table, the doctor started conducting the breast exam. she went back a couple of time to a spot on my left breast. i can feel some lumps, she said, you need to undergo an ultrasound. i told her i had my period that day and could it be hormonal? maybe, but i think some of them are not.

i tried to still my hands as i buttoned my shirt and did my best to catch what she was saying.  my mind was racing. lumps?! why?! i need to work so i can help finance my son's schooling, and i have lumps?! it cant be! this isnt happening...wait, they might not extend an offer because i have lumps...but i need this job..i'm too young...i havent completely potty-trained jackjack...my husband would be devastated...both of his parents had cancer...surely,the lumps are because of my period, please....


my head cant fully wrap itself on this fact that lumps were found. i am supposed to have the ultrasound sometime next week. i'm worried that the result would affect my chances of getting hired. i'm scared on what will be found. i try to put this at the back of my head, but i feel cold water down my back at the slightest memory of that moment. i try not focus on it, thinking that there is that possibility that i may be worrying over nothing. or am i?

i'm scared. shitless. i have to be strong, but i dont know where to draw my strength...